


The driver and the guardian

by Obw



Category: EastEnders (TV), The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Car Accidents, Execution, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manhandling, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Past Child Abuse, Sexism, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 03:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obw/pseuds/Obw
Summary: Ben is a driver for an important Commander in Gilead. After an attack on the Commander’s life, Callum is the guardian assigned to their household for protection. Despite initial mistrust, Ben and Callum eventually grow close and intend to start a life together in Canada, but not everything goes to plan.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 12





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Cursory knowledge of the handmaid's tale certainly helps but isn't required. I'll put a quick crash course at the end in case anyone needs it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited

**Chapter 1: The Beginning**

_Genesis, Chapter 1, Verses 1 and 16. 1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 16God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars._

Ben awoke to the sun creeping across his face. His studio flat dimly lit by the sliver of sunlight slipping through a crack in his curtains. He groaned slightly and peered at his alarm clock positioned precisely on his bed-side table. 06:30 it read, 15 minutes before his alarm was due to go off. Before the inception of Gilead, he would never have imagined waking up so early. He was a law unto himself. His own boss, free to set his work hours to whatever he pleased. Not anymore though. He stretched out, spreading his limbs to occupy his bed. The other side of his mattress was cold and empty, also something old Ben would have a hard time imagining. Thanks to Grindr, and Tinder, and gay bars he could wake up to a warm male body next to him as frequently as he wanted. Not anymore though. He was fortunate to have Lexi, the perfect excuse to show officials at the processing centre: “no officer, I cannot possibly be gay, I have a daughter” he said innocently, as if butter wouldn’t melt. Not many gay men with his track record were as lucky. Most were executed for gender treachery, but thanks to Lexi, no one dug too deeply into his past. Too many others to process, too many to assign to their new roles in Gilead.

Ben’s alarm cut through the silence permeating the room. He slammed his hand against the top lazily, silencing it and got out of bed. His eyes surveyed the room. It was sparsely decorated, containing mostly government-provided materials and the odd knick-knack he had accumulated in the couple of years he had been living there. Nothing too individual, nothing that would cause offence or intrigue. Nothing to incriminate him to the eyes or even the snooping housewife, Martha or handmaid who occasionally made their way into his room for his services. On the surface at least, he had become the perfect, bland, law abiding citizen. Quite the opposite of who he used to be. He wondered what his previous self would think of him if they were to meet. Would old Ben consider him weak and vulnerable? The ever-present threat of death and the male re-education centre have exorcised most of his former criminal ways from him. Even deep down, he was starting to let go of that life, to accept the new world order.

_“Well, well, well, Ben Michell” the guardian said, slapping his truncheon to the open palm of his hand to emphasise his words. “Your criminal record makes for quite interesting reading, are you beyond hope? Beyond redemption? Or do you wish to confess your sins and repent?” The guardian leered at him._

_Ben weighed up his options, he knew if he repented, they would take him seriously and assign him somewhere, he would have to betray his principals, but he would be alive, able to look for Lexi, he couldn’t do that if he chose the alternative which was immediate execution. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned” Ben began._

Ben walked from his bed to his kitchenette, flicked on the kettle and poured himself some cereal. Coffee was still permitted and was one of his last-remaining vices. The last thing keeping him sane. He finished his breakfast, washed the dishes and left them on the side to dry. After a quick shower and a shave, he was ready to start the day. His modest studio flat was over the garage that attached to the house of the Commander to whom he was assigned as handyman and driver.

_“It says here you used to run a car lot selling cars and you have also worked as a mechanic” the attendant at the processing centre was reading some file that seemed to map out Ben’s entire life, unbeknownst to him how they got such thorough information._

_“Yeah” Ben said nonchalantly. He had not yet learnt the respect required to function in Gilead. He would learn that very soon though._

_“Good. You will be assigned to a Commander to be their driver, do you understand?”_

_“Yeah” Ben repeated, he got up, firmly shoved the chair back under the desk and was then violently beaten by the guardians for not addressing the attendant with respect. The attendant looked on, tutting._

He walked down the stairs towards the driveway slowly, looking out through the tall fence that surrounded the property, observing the guardians. Some were just standing there, protecting individual houses, some were patrolling, some were walking with handmaids on the way to the shops. He wondered how they didn’t all just keel over, dying from boredom, dying from the sheer monotony of their lives. At least he got to go out driving, see people, do things, maintain the car. He would prefer that to just standing there like a pillar box all day every day. There are rumours that they don’t even sleep. He reached the bottom of the stairs and almost bumped into the Martha who was running towards him.

“The commander says to get the car ready, you leave in 10 minutes” she said clearly but quietly, looking down, not meeting his eyes, shrinking into herself, as she will have been told is correct behaviour for a woman of her standing.

“Thank you, Martha” Ben replied, gritting his teeth, resisting the urge to just scream at her ‘Look at me! Look. At. Me. You are a human being, equal to me in every way. I should be able to use your name, not your title, you are not just a servant’. But he didn’t, he never does. You never know who is listening, who is watching. You don’t know where the eyes are, who is a true believer of the Gilead agenda and who just pretends to be.

Ben prepped the car and sat in it, waiting patiently for the Commander to arrive. His mind drifting, eyes just staring into space, he clicked the radio on by force of habit, but quickly turned it off when he realised that all that was playing was Gilead propaganda. Messages about how well the fight at the front lines was going, despite the fact they didn’t seem to have made any solid progress anywhere for months. His eyes flicked up from the dash and he just sat watching the guardians again, trying desperately not to observe them sexually. It was so easy, to trace the outline of their figures with his eyes, the way the tight fabric of their uniforms hugged their biceps and framed their pectoral muscles, their trousers, tight at the waist and hugging around their hips and below. He bit his lip remembering what it was like to touch a man. To be touched by a man. How great it felt having rough, dirty, loud gay sex. Sweaty, limbs flailing.

The sound of the car door opening and the Commander climbing into the car centred Ben’s mind immediately. His eyes darting around in panic. Had someone noticed his staring? Was he in trouble? He realised that his mind had wondered too far. His thoughts too far from Gilead’s ideals. He should have prevented that from happening before it had got that far.

“Blessed be, Ben” the Commander said, smiling at him warmly, shuffling in his seat as he arranged some papers around him and put on his seatbelt.

“Blessed day, Commander, where to today?” Ben sighed in relief, realising he had not been caught staring at the guardians, this time. He hoped they would get to go somewhere exciting. Ben had got quite lucky to be assigned to Commander John Grayson, he was a relatively young, relatively laid-back Commander who treated Ben well. He was aware of Ben’s criminal history but did not hold it over him, in fact, he encouraged Ben to make a few black-market contacts, just in case. Ben was not entirely sure what his Commander did, you don’t ask those sorts of questions in Gilead. From bits of conversations he had overheard and sections of paperwork he had read corners of, he thinks Commander Grayson is something to do with the war effort, troop deployment perhaps. He knows he is important from the size of his house, the size of his office and the number of dinner parties they host (none of which he is ever invited to, he just has to take the odd, inappropriately drunk guest home).

“Oh, nowhere interesting today I’m afraid, just my office”, the Commander spoke slowly, distracted by his paperwork, making the odd note here and there, crossing out sections and reading others intently. Ben acknowledged the request with a quick “Yes Commander” started the car and opened the gate with a fob. The gate was only as old as Gilead so slid open without hesitation, silently, and closed just after the car passed through it. The first half of the drive to the office was mostly uneventful. Ben was just drove, idly watching the trees pass by, barely keeping an eye on the road. There isn’t much traffic on the roads now as most people don’t even have cars, and those that do often need a good reason to use them (part of Gilead’s green initiative). Although there were still traffic lights at which he needed to stop, to allow people to cross.

Ben was preparing to stop the car, as he saw the light at the crossroads in front of him turn red. Old Ben would have chanced it, so what if he ran a red light, who would know, more importantly, who would care. But, especially with his Commander in the back, his driving had to be flawless.

He was relaxed, just watching the group of handmaids and guardians pass in front of him. So relaxed in fact, that he didn’t notice the car to his right speeding towards him. In fact, he didn’t notice that car until it was too late, and their car was on its side, after the collision had caused it to roll over the pavement and into the garden of the house on the other side, killing two handmaids and a guardian in the process. Ben was knocked unconscious, as was the Commander in the back.

The driver of the car that hit them got out, collected papers from the back of the Commander’s car, looked at the Commander, assumed he was dead from his injuries but stabbed him in the side for good measure, returned to their car and sped off. It all happened too quickly for the guardians to react, many of them were still stood there in shock, none of them made any attempt to apprehend the perpetrator. Despite what the propaganda will have you think, the guardians aren’t a highly trained, highly proficient police force. They are the rejects that were not smart or important enough to be Commanders, too unskilled to be drivers or other specialised workers, and too inept to be angles. They were the incompetent. Some were good, but most were not.

Eventually an ambulance was called to the scene and Ben and the Commander were hauled from the wreckage and rushed to hospital.


	2. The Guardian

Chapter 2: The Guardian

_Proverbs, Chapter 4, Verse 23. 23Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. _

_“You were in the army, Mr Highway, why were you discharged?” the attendant spoke flatly, no change in the pitch or volume of his voice, he was not there to entertain, merely to elucidate information._

_“I- I’d rather not talk about that” Callum replied, shakily, eyes darting around at the room full of desks, surrounded by men that look as equally afraid as him, sitting across from attendants as disinterested as his._

_“Unfortunately, Mr Highway, you do not get the luxury of not answering my questions. Our records rarely have gaps, but there is one here. Either you will answer me, or you will find we have ways of making you talk” the attendant replied, still no modulation in his voice. He subtly beckoned over the nearest guardians, who may have been required to help loosen Callum’s tongue._

_“I was injured, nothing life altering, but enough for a discharge. I even have the scar to prove it, I can show you. There, that’s it, that’s the truth” Callum replied, slightly defensively, fear creeping into his voice thanks to the still approaching guardians._

_The attendant nodded, apparently satisfied by his answer, and waved away the guardians, jotting Callum’s answer down in the margin of the page. “Well, due to your discharge, you can’t be an angel” the attendant said, mind cycling through the possible assignments he could give Callum. “But I think you will make a very nice guardian, due to your experience I think we can bump you up a rank or two” the attendant nodded, apparently pleased with his own handiwork._

_Callum got up to leave, desperately hoping that this meeting was over, he wanted to get outside, to breath fresh air, to leave the room that seemed to be closing in on him._

_“Sit down Mr Highway” the attendant raised his voice, his words staccato, causing Callum to fall back into the seat immediately. “There is one last thing, you called off an engagement, before the inception of Gilead, from your ex-fiancée, Whitney, was it?” the question was rhetorical as the attendant didn’t give Callum time to answer. “That is odd, why did you do that? I must ask, Callum, and I can assure you this is just a formality, are you a homosexual?”_

Ben awoke to a bright white light beaming down on his face. His eyes opened to an unfamiliar, perfectly white ceiling. His first reaction was to move, to prop himself up on his elbows, to look around, to work out where he was, but he was too aware of the pain in his body to even consider that for the moment. He moved his head slowly from side to side, to his left was medical equipment steadily beeping with the beat of his heart and a drip going into his left arm. To his right was a bunch of flowers and a small card with ‘May the Lord bless you’ on the front. He returned to staring at the ceiling. ‘So, I’m in a hospital’ he thought to himself, ‘What am I doing here?’ he was confused, starting to panic slightly, heart rate rising, medical device beeping frantically. He thrashed around trying not to cause himself too much pain or rip his drip out but confirm all his limbs were still intact. With amputation a very real and frequently used punishment, you never know when you might wake up missing a hand.

Suddenly, there were hands touching him, trying to push him onto the bed, a soothing voice shushing him, speaking reassuringly. He began to calm down and returned to lying on the bed, supine. The hand shifted to stroking his hair, gently teasing out the knots that persisted there. He turned to look at his protector.

“Martha” he said, throat dry, voice scratchy, lacking the power he was used to. Ben did not like appearing weak, especially in front of people he knew, but at the moment there was nothing he could do about it. “Why am I here?” Even in his current state his voice portrayed the fear and concern he was feeling.

“Everything is alright, you are fine” Martha reassured him, speaking softly, comfortingly. “Don’t worry, I will explain everything” she proceeded to sit down and take the time to describe the events of the crash and what has happened in the days since. They had been hit by a car that was being driven by a rogue handmaid who stole important documents from Commander Grayson and then smuggled them to Canada. She had been informed by some secret chain to target him and then flee. The incident had been subject to a thorough but fast investigation and Ben had been found innocent of negligence. There was no reasonable action that he could have taken that would have prevented the accident without causing harm to more people. 

Ben sighed at this admission. He was glad he was innocent, even though he could barely remember the attack at all. “What about Commander Grayson?” Ben asked, his concern genuine.

Martha sighed, and took in a sharp breath through her teeth. “His injuries were severe. The attack was intended to kill him” her head fell towards the floor, as she said a silent prayer for his recovery. “The doctors think he is going to make it, but it is still a bit uncertain” her voice quiet. “The handmaid and his wife are in there praying at all hours of the day. I bring them food occasionally” Ben nodded. Lucky Commander Grayson having someone to visit him at his bedside, he had no one. There was a time when he was surrounded by a whole family, his daughter, his parents, siblings, but not anymore.

“How long have I been unconscious for and when can I leave” Ben shifted in the bed, pulling the sheet up his chest, chuckling slightly, but stopping when the pain in his side got too much. 

“You were out for about 3 days, and you should be able to leave within a week or so” she was smiling, happy to be able to give some good news. She took Ben’s hand and squeezed it, staying there to sit and chat for a bit.

It became the highlight of both their days: Martha visiting Ben. They would sit and chat, she would answer questions about the Commander’s recovery and bring Ben some food along with the handmaid and the Commander’s wife, helping to break out of the monotony of Ben’s days. Soon he was allowed to leave the hospital, able to stand and walk unaided by painkillers or supports. He had made a reasonably fast recovery, leaving within the week timeframe Martha suggested, his speedy recovery attributed by almost everyone, even the doctors, to the grace of God.

He visited the recently conscious Commander on his way out of the hospital to wish him the best, and even say a prayer with the Commander’s wife and the handmaid. Deep down, Ben still didn’t believe in God, but it was all part of the elaborate performance that was his daily life. The façade that kept him alive. He was very pleased that Commander Grayson’s prognoses was good. Even though he was found innocent, had he have died, it would not have reflected well on Ben and it would have made him very difficult to reassign. So perhaps God had blessed him this time.

Martha walked him out of the hospital and directed him to the car that was going to take him home. “A rare luxury for us!” Ben remarked, beaming at his new friend, pointing at the car. Although they had worked together for years, he hadn’t really spoken to Martha before. He rarely needed to go into the house, preferring to keep himself to himself. The less you speak, the fewer incriminating things you’re likely to say. But now he could honestly say he enjoyed her company, perhaps he will venture into the main house more often from now on. 

**

“Callum Highway” his commanding officer shouted for him across the lunchroom where the off-duty guardians were eating. Callum looked up, fear darting across his face, and saw he was being beckoned. He hoped, prayed he was not in trouble. As he was walking towards his CO’s office, he ran through everything he had ever done, he was doing an excelled job of keeping his nose clean and he thought he had become a very good, competent, well-trained guardian. His CO held the door of his office open for him and gestured for him to sit down.

“Have you heard of Commander Grayson, Callum” his CO asked, his voice unusually soft, he opened the file sat in front of him, eyes scanning across the page, flicking up to meet Callum’s waiting for him to answer.

Callum paused before answering. It was his way. Everything he said was thought about before he even opened his mouth. All his speech was considered now. He didn’t make offhand comments or sarcastic remarks, people had been killed for less. He was very careful. “I honestly don’t think I have, commander” Callum replied thoughtfully, carefully.

“Well, he was recently the victim of an assassination attempt” the commander continued, unphased by what he was saying, but shock clear on Callum’s face. He didn’t think such things happened in Gilead, what with the number of guardians there are, crime was at virtually 0. Or so they are told. “What with your army training, we thought you would make a good bodyguard for him, it would be a reasonably short 6-month posting, just while all the attention around this incident boils down.” The commander paused, trying to gauge Callum’s reaction, hoping he would say yes immediately, as they didn’t really have any other suitable candidates. “So, what do you say, a quick 6-month stint doing that and then back to your usual duties?”.

“I accept” Callum replied, smiling, looking forwards to the change of scenery. The chance to do a different type of work, maybe meet people he can actually talk to, unlike all the boring men he was surrounded by there was a very attractive offer.

“Excellent! You will meet him at the hospital he is in before he is discharged to escort him home” relief present in the commander’s voice. He handed over a dossier containing relevant, but redacted information about the assassination attempt and information on Commander Grayson and his household.

Callum took the file to his room and spend the evening studying it, familiarising himself with all the relevant information. He knew almost everything about all the people he will be spending the next 6 months with and a good deal about the handmaid that orchestrated the attack. Each of the personnel files had a small photo attached, based off how dishevelled everyone looks and the clothes they are wearing, they were probably taken the day everyone was processed into Gilead. Callum wondered what his photo looks like and what his file says. He stopped when he saw Ben’s photo, tracing his finger along a fresh-looking cut on the man’s lip wondering how he got it, and how someone can have such strikingly blue eyes even in a photo. He quickly threw the photo into the file, shutting it and stuffing it into a draw. That was enough studying for tonight, he thought. 

_“I’m not a homosexual!” Callum exclaimed, voice indignant. He spat on the floor at the very mention of the word. “I was raised to hate homosexuals, an ideal instilled in me by my father, he raised me to be a tough man, not a pansy”. Callum continued; voice slightly raised. His answer seemed to please the attendant who smiled and wrote what Callum had just said down._

_“So why did you end your engagement then?” the attendant asked, genuine intrigue creeping into his voice._

_“I caught her in bed with another man” Callum replied solemnly voice quietening, shoulders slumping forwards, “I did not want to marry someone capable of committing such injustice” he said, voice flattening out as he tried to supress the emotions of past memories from bubbling up._

_“I understand” the attendant said, making the final alterations to Callum’s file which he then closed and gestured for him to leave._

**

The main house was uncharacteristically lively when Ben walked through the back door into the kitchen. He was on the hunt for a small snack, some bread and cheese maybe as the meal he had cooked himself that evening had left him peckish. As he walked through the door, he almost immediately bumped into Martha who was carrying a large vase of flowers over to the table.

“Oop” Ben exclaimed, flattening his body against the wall to avoid her. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there” his face softening, he winked reassuringly at his new friend.

“It’s okay, sorry I was in your way” Martha started, shying away into herself in a way Ben had not seen since before he was in hospital. She was always so confident during their visits, lively, laughing and joking. Not at all as she was presenting herself now. “Things are a bit mad here” she continued, handing the flowers off to the handmaid who immediately left the kitchen without saying anything as the Commander’s wife entered holding a large, beautifully decorated cake, which she elegantly set down onto the kitchen island.

“Cover this and bring it out when I ask” the Commander’s wife barked at Martha, her tone uncharacteristically sharp. She ran out the room tucking a loose whisp of hair behind her ear.

“What is actually going on?” Ben asked, confused, as he walked over to inspect the cake. It was reasonably tall and covered in buttercream strips in a gradient from dark blue to grey up the sides of the cake, with swirls around the top. Quite a simple cake but flawlessly executed.

“The Commander is returning, he has finally been discharged from the hospital, blessed be” Martha spoke with a wide smile plastered across her face. She was so full of joy her eyes welled up with tears at the thought of the Commander returning home. The way she emphasised ‘blessed be’ was as if she was saying thank you directly to God, as if she was only a small push away from prostrating herself across the floor and weeping in reverence.

“Blessed be” Ben echoed, but with much less jubilance in his voice. Although he is pleased the commander is returning, he isn’t _that_ pleased. Commander Grayson is still the patriarch of the household, the man from whom all the power flowed, Ben disliked being so subservient at times, he had no idea how the women coped.

“Apparently he is bringing a personal guardian with him, someone to protect him, to watch over him” Martha continued, still beaming, joy still dripping from her voice.

“Interesting” Ben said, thoughtfully, cocking his eyebrow and tilting his head slightly. Equal parts excited that the guardian may inject some desperately necessary eye candy into this house, and terrified that it is another form of temptation for him to resist, another way in which he can slip up, blow his cover, drop his façade.

“Do I need to go to the hospital and pick them up or…” Ben trailed off, slightly unsure of his fate now, would Commander Grayson still want him in his employ, or would he opt for a different driver? Men of Ben’s social standing were pretty disposable after all.

“No, don’t worry, that is all sorted” Martha started, Ben’s heart slightly breaking in the process, almost positive he will have lost his job and will now face reassignment. A trip to the dreaded assignment centre, more eyes watching over him than ever, scrutinising his every move, every breath, every word. “He will be escorted by the guardian to the house but then he will be your duty again” she continued, reassuringly.

Ben smiled slightly, not at all reassured by Martha’s words. He watched as she gently lowered the cake down into a tin, as the Commander’s wife had ordered, acting carefully so as to not disturb the buttercream.

As Martha was washing her hands the doorbell rang. The chime echoed throughout the house and caused everyone to stand to attention, hair at the backs of everyone’s necks rising. He had returned.

“Would you mind getting that for me” Martha asked, hands in the sink, “I don’t want to keep him waiting” she smiled, revealing her true self to Ben for a split second.

“My pleasure” he said, smiling back, walking quickly from the kitchen to the front door which he rapidly swung open to reveal the face of his Commander staring back at him. Once the Commander had got in, wiped his feet and they had exchanged pleasantries, Ben’s eyes flicked up and met the most beautiful set of cerulean eyes he had ever seen. He breathed out, as if the air was being forced from his body, like he was drowning in clear blue water that would be lucky to look as beautifully blue as the eyes in front of him.

The man whose eyes he was staring at so intently stepped forward, his face bathed in moonlight, a handsome face Ben thought, a taller man, with eyes as bright as the sun. Eye candy for him indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited


	3. The Lovers

**Chapter 3: The Lovers**

_First Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verse 2. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing_

The man stepped into the hall, out of the moonlight, face now lit by the cool incandescent bulb in the hallway. Eyes still trained on Ben’s. The silence between them starting to draw some attention from the Commander and other members of the household who had rushed to greet him.

“You must be the guardian” Ben finally managed to choke out, somewhat breathlessly, eyes still trained on each other. Before the guardian could speak, he put out his hand for him to shake “Ben Michell” he said confidently, smiling.

The other man took his hand, facial expression neutral “Callum Highway” he replied, voice low, vibrating through Ben. Callum walked further into the hall, brushing past Ben, to take his position next to the Commander.

“Well Callum, welcome to my home” the Commander said his voice congenial, his performance as a host was well rehearsed. He introduced each member of the household, all of whom met Callum’s eyes, smiled sweetly and genuflected. “This is my wife, our handmaid, Ofjohn, obviously, and this is my driver, Ben, whom you have already met”. “Everyone this is Callum, the guardian who will act as my personal security for the next six months, I expect each and every one of you to keep him in your prayers”. He finished the clearly prepared speech. His voice was slightly stilted, it didn’t flow the way one would expect the voice of someone thinking on the spot to flow. ‘I suppose he had to think about something in hospital’, Ben thought. The Commander turned, slapping Callum on the back and pointing him towards Martha who showed him to his room upstairs.

Six months, that should be enough time to get to know him, Ben thought to himself, as he watched intently as Callum ascended the stairs. The fabric of his trousers hugging him in all the right places. ‘Perhaps’, Ben thought, ‘he will turn out to be as interesting as he looks’.

**

When the door opened, and Commander Grayson had moved from in front of him Callum locked eyes with the man holding the door. The same eyes that had captivated him so deeply the other night. The eyes of Ben Mitchell. He knew almost everything about this man. His height, his weight, his criminal history, the location of his daughter, what he didn’t know, what he hadn’t prepared himself for was how he would feel meeting him for the first time. When their eyes met Callum felt truly seen. His soul exposed for this man to unpick. Their eyes locked, as if electricity was running between them, some unbroken wires holding them in place. Callum had never felt so bare, so understood. His body felt weak, his ears ringing with tinnitus, his ability to function compromised by his feelings towards the person in front of him. But that person was a man, and those kinds of feelings were punishable by death.

He had spent his whole life denying the feelings he felt towards men. It all started with his father, who had slapped him so hard he fell to the ground because Callum had asked what ‘gay’ had meant. At the time he still didn’t know what gay meant, but he knew it was bad, he knew it would lead to him being hurt.

During his early teenage years, when his feelings towards men were more apparent, he convinced himself that all men must feel this way. That men play up how much they admire women’s bodies, that secretly all men look at each other in the showers after sport. That he was just another normal man.

Callum soon learnt that he was indeed different after he was beaten again for being caught staring. His eyes lingered for a second longer than they should have. But that was all that was needed for one violent person to pick a fight with him. He was just a teenager, again hit to the floor, with the word ‘gay’ ringing in his ears. From then on, he supressed himself, fully. Never slipping up, never letting any feelings of homosexuality come to the surface. He acted the role of a straight man beautifully, he got a good-looking girlfriend whom he loved, and he convinced himself he was attracted to. He was so committed to the lie, so prepared to live out his entire life pretending, he asked to marry her.

Sexual attraction ended up being harder to fake than Callum thought, and she soon became aware something was wrong. Why did he rarely want to sleep with her, why could they never be spontaneous, why did he seem so uncomfortable when she touched him? It was easy to deflect these questions when they were dating, they lived apart, I’m tired, I’m stressed, excuses just rolled off his tongue. But as an engaged couple, living together, the excuses dried up fast. She lasted longer than most people would have, Callum thought, but she had an itch he could not scratch, no matter how hard he tried. He did love Whiney, and he could not keep lying to her like that, so he set her free.

He played up his homophobia for the attendant as he was processed into Gilead, the best lies are those based in truth. He was raised to hate homosexuals, not become one, he did expect his fiancée to cheat, but she didn’t.

At the inception of Gilead, he doubled down on his heterosexual act, the carapace he had used to protect himself since he was a young boy. The last place he expected a shred of his true self to be revealed was here, now, under the moonlight at an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar town staring into the eyes of a former criminal.

Callum shook all feelings towards Ben out of his mind, and walked past him, ignoring him as much as he could without appearing rude, as he must ingratiate himself to his new household. He was there to do a job, pure and simple, he could not become distracted, especially by something so dangerous. He made brief pleasantries with the household, walked up to his room with the Martha, and when she left, he unpacked and got ready for bed.

Once he had got into bed, he shut his eyes to try to sleep, but all his mind could think about was those eyes, that face, that man. His voice, how firm his handshake was, how good it felt to touch him, if only for a second, his biceps and his chest. The stubble across his face, his strong jawline. He wondered, he allowed himself to hope for a split second, for a shining moment, what if Ben felt the same? Callum fell asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in a long time. 

**

Ben was in the kitchen, eating some toast, making small talk with Martha. He found himself spending an increasing amount of time with her, not only because he enjoyed her company, but because it was the perfect excuse for him to stay in the main house, to occasionally catch a glimpse of Callum, their live-in guardian.

Their conversation ended abruptly when Callum walked in. They still knew very little about him, they were not sure if he was an eye or a true believer or able to be trusted with anything outside of perfunctory conversation. Ben and Martha were not exactly trading state secrets or plotting to assassinate Commander Grayson, but they would occasionally say things that would not meet the approval of the eyes. Martha had illuded several times to being in contact with the Marthas’ network and Ben occasionally discussed his black-market dealings with her. She shared gossip with him, and he gave her the odd cigarette. They enjoyed confiding in each other. She had even tried to find the location of Ben’s daughter, but to no avail. Gilead separates you, makes you feel like you are alone, even when you are surrounded by other people. It infects your brain like a pernicious virus, convincing you that you are the only person whose thoughts do not conform exactly. They found comfort in each other. Obviously, Ben could not be completely honest with Martha, there had to be limits to what he could tell her, but she had become a trusted ally.

Martha busied herself making the bread for the day, but Ben could not resist making eye contact with Callum, their eyes locked as he walked into the room. That feeling of electricity running between them was back, it happened almost every time they saw each other, they both feel drawn to each other. Had this been before Gilead Ben would have interpreted this feeling as sexual tension and he would have made a move long ago. But he could not be sure Callum felt the same. It was not worth the risk. Callum sat down leaving a two-chair gap between him and Ben. ‘Leaving room for the holy spirit’, Ben thought. 

“Blessed day” Callum said, smile creeping across his face, hoping one of them would try to make conversation with him. He had been at the Grayson house for a month now and no one had really made an effort to get to know him. Rooms became silent when he entered, people left if they were not otherwise engaged in tasks. Commander Grayson was still too fearful to leave his property, people either came to him for meetings or he did not have them, meaning that other than patrolling the property a few times a day to check for security breaches, there was not much for Callum to do.

“Blessed day” Ben and Martha both echoed, unenthusiastically. As much as Ben enjoyed seeing Callum around, ogling him privately with large, safe distances between them, direct contact with him still made him uncomfortable. Callum was an unknown element. Martha continued kneading the bread dough and Ben pushed crumbs around his plate with the last remaining corner of the toast he had been munching on. He was stalling, not wanting to leave Martha alone with Callum, just in case, you never know of what those sexually repressed guardians are capable.

Callum sighed, realising it was going to be another quiet day for him, and then yawned, slightly louder than he was anticipating. Both Ben and Martha looked up from what they were doing, he apologised and quickly covered his mouth. “I didn’t get much sleep” he explained, even though no one had asked. “Commander Grayson knocks on the shared wall of our bedrooms a few times a night when he wants me to check out a strange noise or something” Callum explained, shifting in his seat, chuckling slightly. “I don’t mind really though, It’s my job” he added, in a sort of sing-song tone. The room remained silent, and Ben and Martha continued to ignore him.

A knock on the front door caused Martha to quickly run out of the room, wiping her hands on her apron as she went. Secretly she was looking for any excuse to leave the slightly uncomfortable atmosphere of the kitchen, so she jumped at the chance for a change of scenery.

As soon as she had left, Ben finally finished off the last of his toast and made an excuse to leave, not wanting to spend time alone with Callum. Unaware if he could control himself around him when they were alone. He stood up and began walking towards the back door. Suddenly Callum’s hand reached out to grab his arm. Ben froze in shock, oblivious to what was going on. Callum stood up, extending himself to his full height, brushing his body up against Ben’s in the process. Callum looked down at Ben, regarding his face which was twisted slightly, confused and almost frightened. Callum brought up his free hand to Ben’s lips and brushed the toast out of the corner of his mouth with his thumb. Once he had finished, he let Ben go. “You had- I just- there were toast crumbs, just cleaning you up” Callum stuttered breathlessly, smiling, hoping Ben would give him any indication that what he had just done was acceptable. Ben jerked himself away, still in shock, panicking, and hurried out of the kitchen without saying a word.

Callum sat back down on his stool and cradled his head in his hands. He was unaware of what had just come over him, what had possessed him to do that. ‘Were you really _that_ bored, Callum’ he thought to himself. ‘Was _he_ really worth the risk?’. Callum hoped that Ben would not report his actions, and if he did hopefully Callum could explain them away, just say he was acting in a brotherly way, a friendly way, with precisely zero homosexual intent.

The magnitude of Callum’s potential error began to sink in. He hurried out of the kitchen, to his bedroom, shutting the door so he could lie on his bed and weep. 

**

Ben and Callum had spent the rest of the day avoiding each other as efficiently as they could, not even being in the same building for most of the day. As Commander Grayson is housebound and no one else is permitted to leave the premises by car, except in exceptional circumstances, there was not much for Ben to do either. He busied himself cleaning and maintain the car, then cleaning and maintaining his flat. Not giving himself a second to be alone with his thoughts, not thinking about how good it felt to be close to Callum, not how nice it was to be touched by a man again, definitely not thinking about how much he wished Callum had kissed him. He couldn’t afford to let his true self out. As much as he had enjoyed fantasising about Callum, fetishizing him, today had made it all too real. It could be a new technique by the eyes to try to trick people into outing themselves. Perhaps they had got wind of Ben’s homosexual past, they probably had time to go over everyone’s file with a fine-toothed comb now. Perhaps they were trying to bait him out using Callum as an attractive worm so they could catch him and kill him.

Ben would have spent the rest of Callum’s stay avoiding him if possible. At the very least he wanted to spend the rest of the day as far away from him as feasible. Today, regrettably, even that was not possible, as it was a ceremony evening. That evening all of them walked towards the lounge, like moths drawn to a flame, they all knew what was happening and they all just accepted it. Ben was the last to arrive, even though it was still 5 minutes before the ceremony was meant to start. When he entered the room everyone, save for the handmaid, turned to look at him. He stared at the ground, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

“Callum” the Commander’s wife began, smiling sweetly at him. “I doubt you have ever been in a domestic household on a ceremony night, have you?” she asked slightly patronisingly, as if he was too young, too naïve to know what was going on. Callum shook his head slightly, looking scared. “Well, we appreciate our privacy during the ceremony, so this evening the top floor will be out of bounds. Martha stays in the basement and does cross-stitch, and Ben- well I’m not sure what Ben does, but you will be joining him in his flat this evening”. Ben sighed quietly, exasperatedly, and Callum nodded solemnly. Neither of them wanting to spend time with the other for fear they were out to get each other. “You may return in 3 hours for bed” the Commander’s wife finished.

Commander Grayson took his position at the front of the room and read the traditional passages of the Bible, and then they all left to their designated areas. Ben and Callum walked silently, reluctantly, one in front of the other towards Ben’s flat. Ben opened the door, turned the light on and let Callum enter.

“Very nice” said Callum, smiling, again hoping to gauge Ben’s reaction, to see any indication of his feelings towards him. Ben grunted in response, still not giving anything away, and sat down on the two-seater sofa he had at the foot of his bed, putting his feet up on the modest, bare coffee table in front of them. Callum sat next to him, the small space between them electric. They could feel the heat radiating off each other, the tension building between them.

It proved too much for Ben who jumped up and walked towards the kitchenette. “Can I get you a drink? I have water or coffee.” Ben asked, imitating Commander Grayson’s host persona.

“Actually” Callum began, boldly “Do you have anything stronger?”.

Ben squinted at him. Alcohol was all but forbidden, the only way to get it was on the black market. The eyes knew about the black market, of course, but Ben didn’t think they would partake in the things exchanged there.

“I take it you aren’t an eye then” Ben said candidly.

Callum shuffled slightly uncomfortably in his seat “I- do you think I would have done what I did earlier if I were?” Callum replied, stuttering, betraying how nervous he felt. He cleared his throat, “And as I haven’t been disappeared, I take it you aren’t an eye either” Callum added more confidently.

Ben laughed at the insinuation, as if he would be trusted with that level of information. “Ahaha, no, you’re right there”. “As for earlier, that could just be entrapment, I’m not convinced you are the unwitty guardian you claim to be” Ben’s face hardened, anger rising, he puffed himself up as if looking for a fight.

Callum noticed the change in Ben’s behaviour, realising Ben genuinely thought he was trying to trick him. ‘Time for another risk’ Callum thought. He quickly weighed up the pros and cons in his mind, then got up and strode over to Ben before his better judgment could tell him to stop. He put his hands on Ben’s face, cradling his jaw, looked him intently in the eye and kissed him, deeply. Ben moaned slightly and relaxed into Callum, kissing him back.

They finally separated, their lips red, eyes teary, hearts full. A single kiss having a profound impact on both of them. A small act of resilience against Gilead. They exposed their true selves to each other for a minute.

As soon as they separated Callum covered his mouth in shock, sick to his stomach with worry, “are-are you going to report me for”

Ben put his hands up, as if placating him, “No, no it’s fine, don’t worry” Ben said, smiling at him, “As long as you don’t report me” he added more seriously.

Callum shook his head and chuckled, confirming they were both safe with each other.

“I guess I’ll get you a scotch” Ben interjected, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled between them. 

“Actually, there is something else I would prefer to have, assuming it’s on the menu” Callum flirted, eyes darting up and down Ben’s body, he was finally able to observe him sexually without risk of being caught.

Ben bit his lip, eyeing up Callum. He walked over to the door, locked it and pounced on Callum with enough repressed sexual prowess to take down a man 3 times his size.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited


	4. The Betrayal

_Matthew, Chapter 26, Verses 20 and 21. 20When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”_

Ben and Callum spent the next month excitedly counting down the days to the next ceremony evening, ironic they were excited for a day marked by such a barbaric formality. It was the only time they could safely be together, once Callum left Ben’s flat after last month they had barely spoken. They can steal looks at each other, have the odd whispered conversation when they think no one is looking, but they cannot touch or kiss or expose their true selves for even a second. They had to be colleagues, friendly, but mostly indifferent to each other. Both of them yearning for the touch of the other, bodies burning to be held. Hearts wide open, pining to be completed. They craved the understanding that only Ben could provide Callum, and Callum could provide Ben. 

Ben chuckled to himself walking to the lounge on ceremony evening. He had had one-night stands with countless men, but none had left an impression on him as deep as Callum had. Perhaps it was the situation in which they found themselves. There were no gay men in Gilead, so, any port in a storm, his desperation for sex clouding his judgment, making him see a connection that wasn’t there. Or perhaps Callum was different, and this was love at first sight and he should be thanking Gilead for bringing them together.

They entered the lounge, bowed their heads in reverence for the Bible reading, then once out of sight of everyone in the household, they practically ran to Ben’s flat like excited teenagers. They burst through the door, locking it behind them and they finally embraced. A wave of calm and contentment washed over them. They could finally be themselves, if only for a short while. They parted, still holding hands, unable to be truly separated from each other. They stared at each other, beaming, so happy to have found each other, until Callum could not bear the distance anymore and cradled Ben’s head, pulling him in for a kiss.

It was passionate and warm and caused Ben to melt into him. His mind stopping, distracted from all other trains of thought by the handsome, muscular man pulling him into him. Callum’s hand came up to rest on the side of Ben’s face, a small gesture of love and protection that caused Ben to realise his judgment was not clouded at all. No one had ever kissed him with such intent, such meaning, such love. Callum is the first man that made Ben feel protected. They parted, Eskimo kissed and pressed their foreheads together. Ben scrunched his eyes closed, trying to read Callum’s mind, hoping to find out that they feel the same about each other, that Ben isn’t about to get his heart broken by the only man he has been with in years.

Callum broke the connection, kissed Ben on the forehead and went to pour them each a glass of scotch, reaching up to get a bottle out of a concealed cabinet Ben showed him the last time he was there. Ben’s eyes moved down Callum’s body, admiring his curves, his muscular shoulders and arms, the way his ears stuck out slightly. Ben had let Callum in on a few of his secretes, but not all of them, not yet. Ben raised his hand to his lips and trailed it over his chin and down his neck, reliving the kiss and Callum’s touch over again. He watched Callum expose his midriff as he reached up and moaned dramatically over how sexy that strip of skin was, the hip bones, the v-lines, the trail of hair leading down to where Ben really wanted to go. He bounded over and touched Callum there, before Callum had a chance to bring the bottle down and that area was covered again. Running his fingers over the crenulations of Callum’s toned body. Callum jumped slightly and exclaimed at how cold Ben’s hands were, only encouraging Ben to trail his hands all over Callum’s torso making Callum squirm into him.

They spent the rest of the evening in a warm embrace, hands trailing over each other’s bare bodies, small kisses placed along trails of skin stretching all over them, wild, bone shattering sex. They have to be careful and reasonably quiet, making sure not to leave any marks on each other’s flesh. They cannot do anything to risk them being exposed. They cuddle, Ben wrapped in Callum’s arms trailing patterns over the skin of his chest, occasionally poking, kissing and biting his nipples making Callum shift to batt him off lightly. They lie on the bed chatting about life, what they did before Gilead, their families, their loved ones, and most importantly their alibi for the evening.

“I bet you were very popular on the gay scene” Ben poked at Callum, smiling, hoping to get some information out of him about his past relationships. “Especially a man of your talents” he added, flirting, referring to what Callum had done earlier. Callum raised an eyebrow, considering the answer as Ben started kissing him gently down his chest without breaking eye contact. 

“Actually Ben, you- when we…. you were my first” he replied, reluctantly, trailing off halfway though, breaking eye contact with Ben and turning away slightly. “I’d never been with a man before” he clarified, turning back to Ben, looking sheepish.

Ben sat bolt upright, surprise clear on his face, “But you were, and I speak with some authority here, you were _very_ good” his hands still running down Callum’s torso, the bed sheet barley covering his genitals. 

Callum smiled slightly and pulled Ben back into him so they could kiss, “I suppose when you know it’s right, it just kind of works”. “Enthusiasm goes a long way” he added thoughtfully, kissing Ben again. “I had felt love for a man before, a long time ago in the army, he felt it too, but we never acted on it, I didn’t really know what love was back then” his cheeks and ears began to flush red slightly, embarrassed by the personal admission.

“You’re amazing” Ben smiled, realising that Callum felt love for him too, they both thought they fitted perfectly together. Just as Ben was about to start up an important topic of conversation with Callum, the evening was over. Ben opened his mouth to start, inspiring air but it was too late, Callum had noticed the time, jumped out of bed and started to hunt for his clothes, cutting him off without even realising it. Ben turned and confirmed the time, his head hitting the pillow in despair, their time was up. That was it for another month. Callum had to get back so as to not raise suspicion.

Ben pulled him back to bed, cuddling around his centre, immobilising him. “Don’t go, I can’t wait another month” he pleaded, eyes big and innocent looking up at Callum who stroked his hair affectionally and kissed him, softly.

“It’ll fly by” Callum lied, reassuringly. Ben let go and allowed him to leave. He laid there, alone, the memory of the evening washing over him. Because that is all Callum’s touch would be to him for the next month. A mere memory.

**

Another month had passed, and another ceremony evening was upon them. Both Callum and Ben were abundantly aware that this marked the halfway point of Callum’s posting, that he was soon going to be reassigned and they would likely never see each other again. Ben was determined to make every second of their evening count, not necessarily spending the whole evening having sex (although that would be happening, they could barely keep their hands off each other), but ensuring he truly appreciated every fleeting second he was with Callum. Appreciating the freedom to be himself, the company, the friendship and comfort he provided.

They had spent the month doing their assignments and avoiding each other. Callum acting as the ever-devout protector of Commander Grayson, and Ben driving them around and working on the cars. He had caught Callum staring at him whilst he was leaning into the engine a few times, he remembered to wear tight trousers from then on.

Very occasionally, Ben would drive the Commander and Callum to a meeting, and Callum would be left in the car with Ben. They loved those moments. Although they could not really touch, they could chat, they were really starting to understand each other, to develop a deep bond. Ben’s trust in Callum had increased infinitely, he was well and truly smitten.

_“Aren’t you supposed to go with him, for his protection or whatever?” Ben asked cautiously, not wanting to spoil the moment._

_“Well, I suppose technically I am supposed to walk him to the entrance, but I’m not authorised to enter the building and I’d rather wait in here than out there in the cold” Callum undid his seatbelt, and spread out on the back seat, making himself comfortable for what was likely to be a long wait._

_“Oh well then, you’re quite the bad boy, breaking all the rules, I suppose I might be able to make a Mitchell out of you at some point then” Ben was making eye contact with Callum through the rear-view mirror, turning around in his seat to face him would probably be considered too intimate by any onlookers, so they sit facing forwards._

_“What do you mean?” Callum tilted his head slightly in confusion._

_“Oh right, a Mitchell, it’s my last name, we used to be quite the delinquents” Ben had started to blush, realising how forwards he had been._

_Callum lifted his eyebrows and beamed back at him “So you want us to share a surname…. interesting”. He teased and ran his hand between the driver’s seat and the door, gently squeezing Ben’s arm._

_Ben replied slightly evasively, not wanting to appear too eager and scare Callum off. They sat in comfortable silence, subtly holding each other, enjoying the company until the Commander returned._

Callum arrived in the lounge a few minutes after Ben, they made eye contact and half-smiled at each other. Callum winked, or at least tried to, which sent a shiver down Ben’s spine, Callum was certainly excited for that evening.

The Commander entered and completed the Bible reading, neither Ben nor Callum were particularly mentally present, just dreaming of how they were going to spend their evening. They were about to turn to leave, when the Commander’s wife stopped them, she dismissed the Martha, reassured the handmaid and Commander Grayson that she would join them in a moment, but insisted Ben and Callum remained. 

As everyone was silently filing out of the room Ben ran through all the events of the last month quickly in his head, worried that they had done something that had got them caught. Had she noticed the way they looked at each other or seen any little touches, read into the meanings of their whispered conversations? Ben turned to Callum for reassurance, but Callum stayed facing forwards, not wanting to betray any feelings he had for Ben. Their hearts were pounding, Ben clamped his hands behind his back trying to stop them from shaking and swallowed down the bile that was raising in his throat.

“Gentlemen” the Commander’s wife started, she was sat down, looking up at them and smiling slightly. Ben started to calm down, but was still on edge, the hairs on the back of his neck raised.

“I am afraid my husband is relying far too much on our guardian, he makes him check every small sound and, frankly it is becoming rather annoying for me” she stood up and walked over to the window, peering out at the garden. “I am aware you are 3 months into a 6-month posting guardian Callum, and I was rather hoping we could wean my husband off your protection, so it is not so much of a shock when you do leave”. She clamped her hands together, as if praying and continued “therefore, Ben, would you mind if Callum shared your flat with you a few nights a week, that way he is easily available in an emergency, but too far away for John to bother him every time the oak tree taps the window”.

Ben looked around in shock, not really sure how to process what he had just heard. Was it a trap, an elaborate ruse to catch them in the act? “I would be perfectly happy to share my flat if Callum is, is there a camp bed for him to sleep on?” he added the second part as an afterthought, trying to make it clear that there is nothing going on between him and Callum.

Callum confirmed he was also happy to share the flat. The Commander’s wife assured Ben that they would sort out sleeping arrangements for Callum and that he would move in within the week. She made her excuses and left, leaving Ben and Callum alone in the lounge, still in shock, not willing to drop their guard yet.

They left and walked to Ben’s flat, making sure to pick a pace that is not so fast they appear to be rushing, but not so slow that they look like they’re stalling. A well measured, normal walking pace.

They entered the flat, locked the door, closed the blinds, and squealed like teenage girls, unable to contain their excitement. Ben jumped into Callum’s arms, wrapping his legs around his waist, and kissed him with excitement.

“Well, moving in is quite a big step in a relationship, are we sure we’re ready?” Ben teased Callum, poking at his stomach, unable to wipe the smile from his face.

“Who says we’re in a relationship, you’ve never asked me out” Callum’s facial expression hardened slightly, feigning annoyance, but he quickly gave up and returned to his previous happy demeanour. He couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed at Ben for very long.

Ben gasped in shock dramatically and clutched at his heart, and quickly got down on one knee, “Alright then Callum Highway, will you be my boyfriend?” his tone was sarcastic, but there were definite undertones of sincerity Callum was able to pick up.

Callum nodded enthusiastically and pulled Ben to his feet. He held Ben’s head gently staring deeply into his eyes, really feeling the connection between them “I love you, Ben” slipped from his lips so easily, so quickly, he barely noticed what he had said.

Ben pulled away, turning his back to Callum. Callum, realising what he had said, apologised for saying it so quickly, hoping that he had not just ruined their fledgling relationship. Ben turned back to him, tears in his eyes.

“No, don’t apologise” he clutched both of Callum’s hands to his heart. “I love you too, I’m just a little overwhelmed with all the feelings” Ben’s voice was sincere, he could not hold his love for Callum in any longer either. Callum sighed in relief and wiped the tears away from Ben’s eyes. 

Callum teased Ben that he was one step closer to being a Michell, and they spent the rest of the evening the way they had intended.

**

After a month of living together, they were the peak of domestic bliss. They easily fell into a routine, moving around each other, sharing chores and maintaining a home, together. The bed on which Callum was supposed to sleep took up a large proportion of the floor space of the flat. They left it perpetually messy, moving the sheets around daily to give the impression it had been slept in the night before, but Callum was perfectly content waking up next to Ben every morning. He could think of nothing better.

“Callum” Ben turned to him, they were both lying in bed, limbs intertwined, they were waiting for the alarm to go off, just counting the minutes as they passed, enjoying each other’s company, chatting absentmindedly. They often woke up slightly early because of the light coming through the window. It used to annoy Ben, but he loves it now as he gets to spend more time with Callum.

“We should get out of here, we should escape” Ben continued, cautiously breeching the subject, unsure how Callum would react to such a dangerous plan. Callum hummed in agreement, telling Ben it sounded like bliss, dismissing the conversation as pillow talk. The little lies you tell yourself to be able to get through the day, the plans of holidays, or job changes, or moves that you discuss, and consider, and think ‘wouldn’t life be better if it were like that’ but you never intend on going through with them. The lies we tell ourselves to make life bearable. But this was not simply ideation, Ben had a plan.

“I am being serious” Ben confirmed, causing Callum to actually sit up and pay attention to what was being said. “I have a plan, I’ll show you”. Ben walked over to another one of his hiding spots and came back to the bed with reams of paper. Callum was so distracted by what Ben was doing, what he was going to show him, that he almost didn’t notice how good Ben’s bum looked in underwear, how full the bulge was at the front, how toned his physique was. Ben deposited all the papers on the bed along with a small bag. There were maps of roads with a clear route to Canada as well as some fake documentation, some non-perishable food and a list of sympathetic contacts they could rely on to help.

“How… how have you got all this” Callum was rifling through the paperwork trying to make sense of everything he was seeing.

“Time and determination, I suppose. The Commander has access to equipment that can make the documents, he has maps too that I can photocopy, so when he goes on long trips away from here, I have free reign” Ben was pleased with himself, happy someone appreciated and would benefit from all his hard work.

Callum was still stunned by what he was reading, “If you have all of this, why didn’t you leave before?”

Ben drew in air through his teeth, he was expecting this question, but reluctant to answer “Two reasons, firstly, I needed someone I could trust that I could escape with. It is difficult to travel by yourself because two people can vouch for each other. I floated the idea of escape with Martha, but she didn’t want to accept the risk” Ben paused, letting that explanation sink in.

“Secondly, I have a daughter, Lexi, and I don’t know where she is. I don’t want to leave without her” Ben watched Callum’s face intently, hoping he wouldn’t react negatively to this revelation.

A smile crept over Callum’s face, he thought back to the folder he read on all of them, remembering the information about Ben’s daughter, the little photo of a blonde smiling girl next to her current address. “I, um, I actually knew that. I didn’t want to force you to tell me anything you didn’t want to, so I never mentioned it” Callum said, ducking his head down, looking up at Ben, smiling.

Ben gasped in shock “You knew, how? You’re not bothered, are you?” he wasn’t quite sure how to process what he had just been told.

“I’m not bothered, I secretly always wanted to be a Dad. My own Dad wasn’t too good to me or my brother, I wanted to do a better job” Callum reached out to Ben, holding his hand. Ben’s eyes started tearing up, he knew he had found a good man to help him raise Lexi with.

“As for how I know, I have read all of your files. Commander Grayson’s was rather heavily redacted, as you can imagine, but yours was pretty unrestricted. I know Lexi’s new address and everything” Callum emphasised his final sentence, he watched as realisation spread across Ben’s face, how all the pieces were finally in place for his escape.

Before either of them could continue, the alarm went off. Ben quickly hid all the paperwork and they both started their daily routine, knowing that their lives were about to get very interesting.

**

Any time that they were not working they spent finalising the plans of the escape. They even used the Marthas’ network to ensure that Lexi remembered Ben and would be able to be smuggled out of Gilead. It was much easier to find her now that they knew where she was. Despite being reassured many times, Ben was still worried they had found the wrong Lexi, or she wouldn’t actually recognise him. Only Callum was able to sooth him when he started worrying like that. 

They had picked a date to escape, Callum’s final day at the Grayson household. It was a Sunday, the roads were quieter on a Sunday night, fewer guards too. Ben had been told to drop Callum off at the local barracks early Monday morning, so if anyone wakes up and notices them and the car are missing, it won’t cause alarm immediately. It seemed like a perfect day to go. They would go at night, less chance of being seen. Ben had told Callum to decide what to take, they were permitted one small bag each with just the essentials. They were both so excited and nervous for what was to come, the prospect of a new, unregulated life together as a family. They had even carefully discussed the prospect of actually making Callum a Mitchell. Not wanting to plan their relationship too far in the future, just in case, but they were both in it for the long haul.

The plan should go off like clockwork. Once everyone in the house is asleep, Ben and Callum will sneak out of their flat and open the gate to the main drive, Ben has ensured to oil it to make it as smooth and silent as possible. They will push the car off the drive, close the gate, and go down the road to the end of the street before starting the engine. This way no one from their household will be alerted. Then they just have to drive to Lexi’s house, pick her up, introduce her to Callum, and hide her under a blanket, get through a couple of check points and drive to Canada. ‘Simple!’ They both thought, having run through it a million times, practiced all the elements they could, they just had to wait for the day to come.

**

The morning of the escape finally came. They had planned and practiced as much as they could, they both felt completely ready and confident. They had woken up early, as usual, and Ben had suggested they enjoyed one final shower together. They might not get another one for a couple of days and they won’t be able to get frisky with his daughter in their presence so they should have one final hurrah in their flat.

Callum agreed enthusiastically stripping off quickly and helping Ben with his clothes before chasing him into the shower, slapping his bum.

They had a long shower, enjoying the feeling of each other’s bodies and the experience of having hot water cascade over them, the only reason they left was because the water had started to turn cold. Ben looked up at Callum through his wet fringe and tied a towel around his own waist, letting Callum do the same. Callum pushed Ben firmly against the bathroom door kissing him. It held until Callum moved forwards, pressing his own weight against the door too. The latch slipped out causing the door to swing open and their embraced bodies went crashing through the doorframe, ending up on the floor. They laughed at each other, distracted by the pain radiating through their bodies and the gentle kisses being exchanged for comfort.

So distracted in fact that they didn’t notice the Commander’s wife standing at the other side of the room. They probably would not have noticed her at all had she not have unsubtly cleared her throat. Ben and Callum looked up in shock and sprang to their feed, doing their best to cover their bodies with the towels around them, spreading apart, blushing.

“You were both late for duty this morning, so I came to check on you, I didn’t mean to interrupt” she said matter-of-factly, turned on her heels and left.

Callum dried himself off as quickly as possible and threw on some clothes, and chased her out of the flat and into the main house. Ben flopped down onto their bed and just felt empty. His beautiful escape plan, his happy family dissolving in front of him.

Callum managed to catch the Commander’s wife in the hallway. “Mrs Grayson, it’s not what it looks like” he said, panting, desperation in his voice.

“Callum, don’t lie, yes it was” she spoke softly, sympathetically. “My brother used to struggle with same-sex attraction, if I had known you and Ben felt the same, I never would have put you together, I blame myself” she reached out to touch his face, stroking his cheek, smiling reassuringly.

“Don’t worry, I am not going to report this. Perhaps you should spend your final night in the main house though. You won’t want what you cannot have” her tone slightly more forceful, but Callum believed she was still trustworthy.

A rustling sound at the other end of the hall caused Callum to jump heavily. “You need to calm down, Callum, everything is going to be okay. It’s probably just papers blowing, the window is open” she took his hand reassuring him and told him to go and get an overnight bag from Ben’s flat.

Callum retuned to the flat sheepishly, and interrupted Ben writing something. He quickly shoved it into one of his hiding spots and gestured for Callum to sit down. He reassured Ben that they were going to be fine. That the Commander’s wife was trustworthy, and they had nothing to worry about. After some protesting from Ben, who was convinced they should try to leave now, he eventually calmed down and admitted that Callum was probably right.

They quickly adapted their escape plan and agreed on a time for Callum to leave the main house. Callum collected his things and left, without a final kiss or hug, leaving Ben feeling emptier than he did earlier.

They just had to make it through the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited


	5. The Fall

**Chapter 5: The Fall**

_Genesis, Chapter 19, Verses 24 and 25. 24Then the Lord rained down burning sulphur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the Lord out of the heavens. 25Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land._

_Romans, Chapter 1, Verses 26 and 27. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men and received in themselves the due penalty for their error._

Ben was sat on his bed waiting, watching the minutes go by on the clock. Waiting for the time Callum was meant to arrive. He had packed the essentials he thought they might need for the trip. No non-essentials were allowed, he had made that clear to Callum, save for a cuddly toy he had made for Lexi, to comfort her on the journey to Canada. He had borrowed knitting supplies from the household, taught himself from a book he had found in the basement, and crudely made a small, pink bunny rabbit for her. He took it out of his bag, and turned it over in his hands, feeling the slightly rough synthetic fibres beneath his fingers, looking at all the mistakes he had made. He smiled thinking about her reaction to receiving it, hoping she would remember him and go with him without making too much of a fuss. A tear came to his eye when he realised that soon, he, her and Callum would be starting their new life together as a family.

Ben knew what he and Callum had was special, he knew that their feelings for each other were the kind that last for a lifetime. The kindness they show each other, the patience, the love they feel are all they’ll need. And going through an experience like escaping Gilead together is likely to cement them as partners for life.

But, for now, all Ben can do is sit on his bed and wait for the agreed upon time, wait for Callum to sneak out of the house and knock on his door, and start the next chapter of their lives together. He turned to his alarm clock and read the time.

“20 minutes” he sighed, shoulders slumping “what could go wrong in 20 minutes?”.

**

They came at night. They always come at night, in black vans with tinted windows, with eyes painted on the side. Two vans filled with eyes came screeching down the road towards Commander Grayson’s house. Some people came to their windows to look, to see what the commotion was, but they shut their curtains, locked their windows and bolted their doors out of fear as soon as they realised what was happening.

Ben was too lost in thought to hear the vans speeding down the road, in fact he didn’t notice anything was happening until he heard the doors slam after the eyes had disembarked. He turned his room light off, and ducked down, creeping to his window so he could peep out the curtains, and see what was going on.

He recognised the vans immediately, there was enough moonlight for him to make out the eye decal on the side of both of the vans. He swore. Their plans of escape looking less likely. ‘The Commander’s wife must have ratted us out’, he thought, ‘I knew she couldn’t be trusted- should have killed them all and left there and then’.

He opened his front door and made his way down the steps, hoping he could get to Callum to warn him, before it was too late. Perhaps they could manage to hide together. As soon as his feet crunched down on the gravel drive the eyes spotted him and started running towards him, shouting at him to stop.

Ben started running, screaming Callum’s name at the top of his voice, hoping that if he could not be saved, at the very least he could save Callum. But it was in vain. The eyes gagged him and bound his wrists after a couple of shouts, dragging him to the van with him kicking and wailing, albeit muffled.

Callum, completely unaware of what was going on outside had changed into some inconspicuous plain clothes and was making his way downstairs with a small bag. All he had in it was some toiletries and food he had gradually taken from the kitchen over the past week. He tip-toed down the stairs, avoiding all the creaky steps, gradually making his way towards the front door, hoping not to wake any of the family. He opened the door, shut it behind him gently, and turned to Ben’s flat, beaming, excited to finally escape with his boyfriend.

Immediately after shutting the front door he was gagged, bound and chucked into the back of the same van as Ben. Despite his army training, his muscular frame, his shrieking and his flailing he was outnumbered and easily overpowered. His arrest was completed in almost the same amount of time as Ben’s. The van containing Ben and Callum sped off, leaving the other behind. They were there to erase Ben and Callum from existence. To make it seem like they were never there. Because no one in existence has ever opposed Gilead. 

In the morning both vans were gone. Ben’s flat and Callum’s room emptied and sterilised. Ready for the Commander Grayson’s new driver, who was expected later that afternoon, to move in.

**

Ben and Callum were driven in the back of the van for what seemed like an eternity. The moon had set, and the sun was just starting to peak over the horizon bathing the landscape in warm, amber light. They spent most of the journey staring at each other, sobbing quietly, trying not to choke on tears and phlegm, unable to clear their throats properly because of the gags. Ben cuddled up to Callum, resting his head on his shoulder, moving it down onto his chest, feeling each shaky breath and the rapid beat of his heart.

Callum wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around Ben, to cradle him, to kiss him softly and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t, partly because he was restrained, but mostly because that would have been a lie, things were not going to be okay. They derived as much comfort from being in each other’s company as they could, and tried to live in the moment, not wanting to think about what will happen when the van stops.

When it eventually did, and the eyes opened the doors to remove them, they didn’t even bother separating. There was no point denying themselves close contact, it would not change anything now. They waited patiently, curled up around each other waiting to be manhandled out of the van. Ben whimpered slightly as he was pulled away from Callum’s warmth and comfort. They looked at each other for a split second, their blue eyes burrowing into each other, Callum’s brow furrowed trying to convey how much he loves Ben. Ben was just trying to tell Callum how sorry he was for getting him in this situation. He blamed himself for their arrest, for planning an escape, for allowing himself to fall in love with Callum. But regret would not change anything. They would just have to do their best to escape now.

They were placed in separate holding cells, each one made of a single sheet black acrylic, moulded into a large cube. The only way in or out was through the front door, which was guarded. They had no way to communicate as Ben had no idea where Callum was, and no way out. They were just left alone.

Gilead teaches patience. With most modern luxuries stripped away, and most other forms of entertainment banned, there was not much to do outside of eating, working, sleeping and praying. You simply had to wait. Ben was not thankful for this opportunity to exercise his patience at all. He sat on the floor of the cell rocking back and forth, stress permeating his body, the fear of the unknown driving him insane. Of course, he knew what his fate was probably going to be. Had he been a handmaid, he may have faced amputation or being exiled to the colonies with the unwomen. But being a man, and a gender traitor, death was pretty much the only punishment.

He banished those thoughts from his mind and concentrated more on ways he could overpower the guardian on the other side of the door. How he could break free of his restraints, get the keys to Callum’s cell, steal a van and escape together. Hopefully they’d find another way to retrieve Lexi.

Callum was much more focussed on his feelings of betrayal. He had trusted the Commander’s wife, he had felt there was sincerity in her voice, he had believed her when she said she was not going to report them. He was not sure whether he was stupid, naïve, gullible or all three. He wished he had not convinced Ben that she was well meaning and that they should trust her. He blamed himself for their arrest. When Callum knew things may not go to plan, he should have acquiesced and done what Ben had suggested, leaving there and then, going into hiding, waiting for a time when it was safe to make their escape to Canada. Rage and frustration bubbled up inside him, he rubbed his restraints against any edge he could find in the cell, trying to loosen the rope enough for him to slip out of.

His Dad had always told him he was too soft, how he needed to toughen up. ‘Perhaps he was right’ Callum thought, bowing his head in shame.

Ben had a vague plan of escape cobbled together when the door swung open, it creaked, protesting the movement. Ben got up to his feet, hoping to avoid being violently thrown around by the brut in front of him. He stepped out of his cell to find himself beside Callum. They were in neighbouring cells, but unaware. A pit formed in his stomach and tears began to well in his eyes, he could have tried to communicate with Callum, discussed something, had one final conversation, said goodbye. But alas, the opportunity was missed. 

They were dragged through the corridors of the building; all painted the same shade of light green that Ben had come to associate with the hospital he had been in just before he met Callum. They both tried to work out what this building had been used for before Gilead, distracting themselves from what was coming next. It could have been a school, plain but functional, spacious classrooms with basic facilities. Or perhaps offices, each one filled with people and computers discussing annual turnover or whose birthday was it next. The daily grind wearing all of them down until retirement.

Ben thought, and he hoped Callum agreed, that the 6 months they had spent together were all the life he needed, all the fulfilment he wanted. He would rather die young after a short but fulfilling whirlwind romance than live a long life bored, and alone, living a lie.

They reached a set of double doors made of a light-coloured wood that appeared more modern than the rest of the building. They had panes of frosted glass with scales etched into them. A symbol of fairness and justice seemed rather inappropriate, considering what they were on trial for, but there, then, Biblical word was law.

The room was filled with furniture made of the same kind of wood as the doors. Light streamed in through a large window to the left of them, filling the room with golden warmth. There was slight background chatter, gentle laughter even, as the men sat at a long desk in front of them shuffled papers, preparing for their next case. 

Ben and Callum were positioned next to each other, guardians either side of them, ensuring they didn’t try to run or hurt any of the panel of judges. They tried to shuffle towards each other, to just have slight touch, so they didn’t feel so isolated and alone, but were quickly pulled apart before the fabric of their shirts could even brush.

“Order. Order. Silence please” the man in the middle said, turning to his left and right to make eye contact with all of the men flanking him, ensuring they were quiet. “Can the advocate for these men please step forwards”. 

“Thank you, your honour” a man to Ben’s right walked over to a lectern in-between him and Callum, and the judges. “These men are accused of gender treachery, in violation of Romans Chapter 1 Verse 27, by his word” the advocate spoke quickly, voice lacking emotion, or passion. The trial was just a formality, an act, it was just a necessary turn of the bureaucratic handle before they could get rid of Ben and Callum. They were not even permitted to speak; they just had to listen and accept their fate. 

“Is there a witness?” the centre judged asked, not even looking up from his paperwork, seemingly unbothered by the trial at hand.

“Yes, your honour, handmaid 1031, currently Ofjohn”, the advocate turned to the witness box, lifting his hand to present her.

Ben and Callum both looked up to see her looking down at them through her nose. Shock and rage clear on both their faces. Callum felt a rush of regret overcome him, for all the time he spent cursing Mrs Grayson in his cell, his anger was misdirected. Mrs Grayson really did keep her word to him. His dad’s words were still ringing in his ears, but he felt vindicated. Mrs Grayson could be trusted, and he was not paranoid for being so jumpy hearing rustling noises down the corridor, it must have been the handmaid. He started subtly pulling at his restraints again, working the rope around his wrists, slackening it. He was almost able to slip it over his knuckles, he just had to move his hands slowly and quietly he couldn’t afford to get caught.

“Handmaid- give a brief account of your evidence” the centre judge still seemed disinterested by the proceedings.

“I heard the guardian and Mrs Grayson discuss the fact she had witnessed same-sex activities between the guardian and the driver” she spoke clearly, unusually confidently for a woman in Gilead, a true believer of the cause.

This caught the judge’s attention, finally tearing his eyes up from the paperwork beneath his nose “Mrs Grayson was aware of this but did not report it?” shock present in his voice, the men either side of him began murmuring, discussing this revelation.

“Yes, your honour” she replied, seemingly relishing every word as she sealed Mrs Grayson’s fate as well as theirs.

“Do you swear, by his name, that the report you have given here today is the entirely truthful?” the judge stared at her intently, almost willing her to retract the statement about Mrs Grayson.

The handmaid simply nodded, “I do so swear” and turned away, removing herself from the witness box.

The judge huffed slightly, and pulled down his waistcoat, annoyed at the prospect of an awkward trial of the wife of one of his friends. “Then, in the name of God, and his servants here on Earth, the accused are found guilty. Driver 59650 and guardian 474439, your existence is an abomination and are both sentenced to the common mercy of the state. The only justice for you is an eternity of suffering. The ‘Mrs Grayson’ situation will be dealt with at a later date. Sentences will be carried out immediately”. The judge finished speaking, signed a slip of paper acknowledging that the trial took place, which was taken by the advocate and then gestured for the guardians to remove Ben and Callum from the court room.

As soon as they were through the double doors, and it was just Ben and Callum and 2 guardians Callum finally slipped his hand out of its restraint and punched the guardian nearest to him, knocking him to the ground. Ben jumped back in shock, his gasp muffled by the gag, but adapted the plan he had formulated earlier, coming up behind the other guardian, that was now attacking Callum, and using the rope between his wrists to garotte him.

Once Ben had begun to subdue the second guardian, Callum turned his attention back to the first who was still recovering from the initial punch, picking himself off the ground. Callum fought him, knocking him unconscious, eventually turning his attention back to Ben who had nicely knocked the other one out too. Callum went over to Ben to hug him, bumping their faces into each other, unable to kiss due to the gags. Their bodies burning at the touch, but Ben pushed him away as time was a luxury they could not afford and offered his wrists to Callum to be untied.

Callum was about halfway through untying the knots before another guardian appeared at the end of the corridor, probably alerted by the noise of the fight. He started running towards them, so Callum abandoned trying to free Ben and turned to start running, hand in hand. They looked at each other and Callum winked, ‘we’re gonna get out of this’ he tried to tell Ben.

Then they turned a corner, bumped into another guardian, and it all went black for Callum. 

**

Martha woke up to a very different household. To a very quiet household. She had spent most of last night cowering in her room, waiting for the eyes to leave, praying they had not come for her. No explanation was offered for their appearance, the whole family just stayed in their rooms as soon as they realised what was happening. Even Commander Grayson knew better to question (or God-forbid oppose) the eyes.

She performed her duties as normal that morning, making breakfast, making bread, cleaning up from breakfast, cleaning the dining room, her normal, monotonous routine. But then something she had been hoping would happen, happened. Commander Grayson’s wife asked her to prepare the flat above the garage for the new driver, she nodded and smiled politely. She did not rush; she took her time. Finishing her duties inside. She did not want to seem too eager to go as that would make her look suspicious. She collected the necessary items, some bedding, some food, a small vase of flowers, everything the new driver would need to settle in, and then she walked in the most normal way she could manage to Ben’s flat.

She opened the door and was greeted by the eerily empty room. She hadn’t spent much time in there when Ben lived there, but it was spartan now. All that remained was the furniture, even all the food Ben had was gone. She put down the hamper she was carrying and opened a window. The room smelled like bleach and carbolic. It had been sterilised. No doubt Callum’s room would look and smell the same, she thought. She sat down for a moment, wondering where they were, wondering what they did, wondering if she would ever see them again. She wracked her mind, desperately trying to remember something Ben said in the hospital, something important. Something he perhaps wouldn’t have let slip had he not been on strong painkillers.

_“Martha” Ben was slurring his words slightly, pushing himself up in his hospital bed to turn to face her. “If I ever get disappeared, by the eyes” he gestured vaguely “will you do something for me?” his voice almost begging._

_“Depends what it is” Martha replied, a cheeky smirk on her face, her voice teasing him._

_“In my flat, there is something hidden, I’ll tell you where, just give it to the Marthas’ network, please” Ben slumped down, he was tired, his eyes heavy, body craving sleep. “But don’t read it unless I get taken” he added, slightly louder than he should have._

_Martha chuckled and listened to him explain where his hiding place was, then she kissed him on the forehead and left him to sleep._

Martha stood up, walking across the room, and followed Ben’s instructions, as best as she could remember to find whatever he had hidden. She dislodged a panel in the wall to reveal a small hollow containing a thick pile of paper, held together with pink wool. She took the wad of paper out, replaced the panel and sat up, undoing the bow holding the stack together. She took the first piece of paper off the top, unfurled it. She took a deep breath, recognising the fact that words were written on the paper. She had never broken Gilead law before, she swallowed hard and began to read what was written on the page.

> Martha,
> 
> If you are reading this, I have disappeared and I am probably dead. I’m sorry this letter isn’t addressed to you, to your real name. I never asked, I doubt you would have told me anyway, but it is one of my regrets. The other pages here are written by me, an open letter about my life in Gilead. Please get the Marthas’ network to release them, like they did with that package of handmaid’s letters. I want to be remembered.
> 
> Love, B x

The letter looked rushed, probably written just before the eyes took him, Martha thought to herself, wiping a tear out of her eye. She ran her fingers over where Ben had written her ‘name’ Martha. She chuckled as more tears fell, saying her real name out loud for the first time in a long time. She said it again, louder, with joy. It felt good for her to say her name, to hear it, the way her lips parted and crashed together, the way her tongue moved in her mouth. The word felt foreign at first, strange, but she eased back into it.

Her attention returned back to the remaining long letter, and she began reading it. 

> My name is Ben Mitchell, and I am a gay man living under the oppression of Gilead.

The letter was on numbered pages, nearly every page was a different style of paper in a different pen. Although the same restrictions were not placed on men of Ben’s class as they were on women, writing wasn’t exactly encouraged in the underclasses. It had clearly been composed over years, detailing Ben’s life from his initial processing to just before his arrest. The last few pages mentioned his relationship with Callum. Martha smiled, and everything clicked into place. The whispered conversations she had overheard parts of, the looks, the little touches, all things she was not meant to see, but did. She didn’t realise then, but recognised now, what she was witnessing was love. Real love, unfortunately, unnecessarily forbidden.

Once she was finished, she wiped her eyes, dressed the room as quickly as she could, and hid the letter in her empty hamper smuggling it out of the new driver’s flat and into the main house. That evening she handed the letter off to the Marthas’ network and prayed the world would read it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited


	6. The End

**Chapter 6: The End**

_Revelation, Chapter 22, Verse 21. 21The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen._

Callum opened his eyes to find himself in a large, comfortable bed. He was sandwiched between white cotton sheets, smelling faintly of washing powder, fresh air and the musk he had come to associate with Ben. He stretched out, occupying the whole bed, realising quite quickly he was alone due to the lack of protest coming from Ben, who would often complain quietly when Callum pandiculated in this manner. He craned his neck to see the other pillow, confirming that it was unoccupied, with only a sliver of sunlight hitting the pillow. He put his hand on the warm fabric feeling how smooth and pleasant it was.

He heard the pitter-patter of light feet coming into the room, followed by a strained grunt as a large Labrador jumped up onto the bed to join him, his golden fur shimmering as he walked across the bed towards Callum. The dog sniffed and licked at his face before curling up next to Callum and leaning back, asking to be fussed.

“Hello, you” Callum said, his voice softening, using the tone he reserved for dogs and babies, and occasionally Ben if he was being particularly cute. He pet the dog enthusiastically, looking at his collar for a name tag. He found a metal, bone-shaped, electric blue tag engraved with the name “ _Oscar_ ”. Callum continued petting Oscar, telling him what a good boy he was until he became aware of chatter downstairs.

He gently pushed Oscar off him and stood up, observing the bedroom in which he found himself for the first time. Oscar grunted and curled up, falling asleep on the bed. The bedroom was a modest size, but well decorated. Most of the furniture and walls were white, giving the room a clean feeling. The wardrobe had a full-length mirror, so he took the time to adjust himself, to sort his hair out, he swept his fringe lazily over to one side and smoothed down the rest of his hair. His skin looked slightly more wrinkled and less elastic than he was expecting, his hair starting to grey and thin out. He had aged.

Resisting the urge to panic, he turned to one of the pictures on the wall and immediately recognised the people in it, but not the situation. It was him and Ben, both well dressed, in suits, hair immaculately coiffured smiling at each other, wedding rings evident on both their ring fingers. He looked down at his own hand to see the same ring, and he span it around on his finger, smiling once again. 

He made his way downstairs, following the sound of the chatter into the kitchen. A teenage girl was sat at the kitchen island just finishing off the last of a slice of toast and Ben was at the stove frying something, dressed in (as far as Callum could tell) only a dressing gown.

The girl smiled at him as he walked in, took her plate over to the sink and kissed him on the cheek. “Morning Dad” her voice was light and cheery. “Just gonna take Oscar for a walk, want anything from the shop?”

Callum shook his head slightly flustered, not really recognising the person who had just called him Dad, she smiled at him and walked out, whistling for Oscar to come down to her.

“Ah, Lex, get us some milk please” Ben shouted after her.

The name made Callum prick his ears up, it must be Ben’s daughter, they found her, they escaped Gilead. He rushed over to Ben, undoing his dressing gown and snaking his arm around his waist, tucking it into the waistband of his underwear.

Ben wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him. The kiss was passionate and warm and everything Callum needed in that moment.

“Good morning” Ben smiled at him “you don’t often greet me like that anymore” a grin spreading across his face.

Callum smiled back, but concern remained in his eyes, betraying his true feelings to Ben.

“You okay Callum?” Ben asked, “You look a bit off” he cradled Callum’s head, eyes darted over his face searching for a problem.

Callum shrugged “I’ll explain after breakfast” his voice content and happy. It was clear to Callum he had forgotten the last few years of his life; he was not entirely sure what the last thing he remembered was, but his life seemed good. He had a loving husband, a wonderful daughter and a dog all in a beautiful home. This is the life he had dreamed of. And burdening Ben with his memory trouble could wait for an hour or so.

“Callum” Ben shouted, breathing heavily, voice panicked.

“What babe?” he replied contentment slipping from his voice, replaced with concern.

“Callum you need to wake up, you were hit on the head, wake up” Ben’s tone harsh, panicked.

Callum mumbled, confused, “What do you mean wake up?”

Ben was shouting now “Wake up, you need to wake up, get up, open your eyes, please, oh please, Callum”

Callum’s eyes opened, he woke up with a start, nearly kicking Ben as his body spasmed violently. His head throbbing. Ben was doing his best to shake Callum using only his shoulders but stopped, shuffled back in relief when he saw Callum’s eyes open as he regained consciousness.

Callum realised they were both restrained, on the floor in the back of a van, his hands bound at the wrists behind his back and his ancles tied to each other. The rough rope cutting into his skin, rubbing it raw, his hands moist with his own blood. 

“Thought I lost you for a second there” Ben smiled, breathless. “Some guardian pistol-whipped you after the trial, it knocked you out.

Callum wracked his brains for the memory but came up blank. “I was dreaming” Callum said, trying to blink away the pain, head still fuzzy, noticing Ben had somehow slipped out of his gag and managed to free Callum of his, the moist leather dangling below their chins. 

“Anywhere nice?” Ben asked as the van came to a heavy stop, both of them slamming against the dividing wall with the cab, as the inertia carried them forwards.

“Yeah, we were-” Callum was cut off by two masked men opening the doors at the back of the van. Both he and Ben shuffled together into the corner, as far away from them as they could be, but it was no use.

The men picked Ben and Callum up kicking and screaming and dropped them, unceremoniously on the ground outside.

They were both pulled to their feet, turning to look at their surroundings. They were in a stadium the spectator stands empty, the place un-maintained, the grass replaced with soil trodden down by years of people making their final steps. The ceiling was open to the sky, with the only light coming in being from the moon and the stars. Infront of them were gallows with 5 nooses hanging from a beam. They looked at each other, scared, realising that this was their immutable fate.

A man walked in front of them bag over his head, obscuring his face. “We can do this one of two ways” he spoke slowly, voice low and quiet. “Either you walk to your fate in a dignified manor, like men” he paused, slightly longer than was necessary. The silence stretching out between them, unbroken by wildlife or traffic or even a gentle breeze. “Or we sedate you and prop you up over there with a stool”. He gestured to the gallows and paused again “the choice is yours”.

Callum was breathing heavily, unsure of what to do, scared of what result anything he said would get. “We’ll walk” Callum spoke quietly, voice trembling, finally coming to the conclusion that saying something was better than potentially making the executioner angry. Ben was glad Callum had the impetus to reply as he doubted he could speak without vomiting.

“Very good” the executioner said, tone cheery, and he waved away the guardians flanking Ben and Callum. The guardians untied Ben and Callum’s feet and then took their position by the exit to the stadium grounds. There was no point running, the guardians would shoot them before they had made any meaningful distance. 

Callum turned to Ben and nodded at him; Ben nodded back. So much was exchanged in that nod: I love you, I’m sorry, I wish we could be together. Words were insufficient to explain their feelings for each other, and now, a nod must suffice.

Callum began walking towards the gallows, Ben trailing behind him. They ascended the stairs and took their positions over the trapdoors of two neighbouring nooses. They both turned to face the executioner who was still on the ground below them.

The executioner looked up at them solemnly, the bag over his head masked his features from Ben and Callum but his face was aged by years of state sanctioned murder "would either of you like to beg forgiveness, to attempt to save your immortal souls?" He asked, slowly and clearly, hoping they would confess their sins and gain entry to eternal bliss in heaven. He turned and walked away, just a few paces. Just enough for Ben and Callum to whisper and not be heard.

Callum turned to Ben, those beautiful blue eyes meeting his, like their first meeting. Fitting that the last thing he sees will be the most beautiful thing, the eyes of his lover. "I genuinely love you", he said quietly "and I would not change this for the world". If this is to truly be their final moments, he may as well be true to himself. True to Ben. His body burning to reach out and touch Ben. To kiss him, to hold him, to protect him from this. To run his fingers though his hair and tell him everything will be okay. But hopelessness quickly set in. He was restrained. Unable to move to touch his lover. There was no point crying or screaming or trying to escape. Nothing could change their fate.

Ben chucked and smiled, observing his beloved in the moonlight, taking in his features for the very last time. He turned his head upwards slightly and tried to blink the tears out of his eyes. "I love you too" Ben said smiling. "Having you for 6 months is better than living a lie for the rest of my life"

The executioner was only slightly aware of what they were saying, although he was intentionally turning a blind eye to their death-bed confessions of love. Perhaps, in his youth, he too may have been a gender traitor, and therefore thought these two were allowed to say goodbye. Perhaps he thought they were as in love as any straight couple he'd ever seen, and therefore entitled to live out their lives in a consensual relationship. Perhaps they were as in love as he and Duncan had been before he had been killed at the inception of Gilead. Perhaps.

"Alright that's enough" the executioner shouted, clapping his hands, blinking a tear out of his eye, conjured from the memory of his life before. His clap silenced Ben and Callum, both of whom turned to face him, fear clear in their faces, eyes wet with tears, limbs trembling. The executioner could not be seen to be going soft, especially for the filthy gender traitors, as he'd end up rather on the wrong side of the proceedings. The next steps happened quickly. A bag, branded with a pink triangle was shoved over their heads, a noose was positioned and tightened around their necks, and finally, nothing. A long, excruciating pause. The gallows creaked as the executioner walked behind them both towards the lever that would retract the trapdoors on which Ben and Callum were standing. He placed his hand on the top of the lever, positioning himself comfortably, pausing slightly, saying a silent prayer for the condemned and secretly hoping someone would run in to stop this. So, he would not need to send more of his gay brethren to early graves.

They were both breathing heavily, shaking, arms still restrained, waiting for the inevitable. Callum remained resolute, strong, preparing himself for his fate. He wished he had had the opportunity to tell Ben about his dream, how good their life was together, how happy they were, what could have been, what _should_ have been. Instead of needless regrets he decided to spend his last moments thinking about all the happy times with Ben. The smiles, the little touches, how he finally felt comfortable with another human being. He'd never felt so happy, so free, so true to himself. He lived a lifetime in every second they spent together. His face beaming, heart filled with happiness, eyes wet from tears of both joy and sadness.

Ben's mind was too jumbled for any clear thought, too stressed by the whole situation. His face tear stained, snot leaking from his nose, whimpering uncontrollably, the sound masked by the bag blindfolding him. The rope already beginning to cut into his neck, make him itch, overload his brain with sensation. He began to urinate due to sheer fear, the anticipation proving too much for him. A warm stream of amber liquid collected in his underwear, soaked his trousers and ran down his leg. The hard man façade well and truly destroyed, revealing what has always persisted beneath, a frightened child wanting to be accepted and loved.

Then the trapdoors opened, and they fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it :) Comments and kudos always apprecaited
> 
> If you made it all the way to the end I would love to hear what you thought, what worked well and what could use improvement.

**Author's Note:**

> The Handmaid's Tale is set in the Republic of Gilead, a theocratic military dictatorship formed within the borders of what was formerly the United States of America.
> 
> Commanders, are a social class of powerful men in Gilead. They are the highest ranking members of all Gileadean society.
> 
> Marthas serve as domestic servants to the families of Commanders.
> 
> The Eyes of God, also referred to as simply The Eyes, are Gilead's secret police, responsible for maintaining law and order and rooting out infidels and traitors.
> 
> Guardians of the Faith, or simply Guardians, are a caste in Gilead that function as uniformed guards and police.
> 
> All this information was taken from the handmaid's tale wiki: https://the-handmaids-tale.fandom.com/wiki/The_Handmaid%27s_Tale_Wiki


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